The way you describe building structure around complex, chaotic systems really resonated with me. I used to describe myself almost exactly that way: “I bring order to chaos.” It’s how I ended up in management consulting and then data analytics. From the outside, it looked like ambition or competence, but underneath it was a hyper-vigilant nervous system trying to manage the environment because, for a long time, not being able to manage the environment felt unbearable. I had to rebuild from the inside out.
In my case, much of it was also connected to my father. And what you named feels especially important: he was not a villain. That is part of what makes the grief so complicated.
My dad believes he was heroic as a father because he was “around,” but he is also a deeply complicated person who carries his own childhood wounds so far in front of him that I don’t think he can see the person across from him.
We stopped talking a few days after I had my daughter, and he has never met her. I carry grief about that, and also grief around the possibility that he may never meet her and that we may never speak again. He is paralyzed and has had serious bouts of illness, so there is a very real awareness that time may not be endless.
I’m really glad you found me here on Substack. It means a lot to meet people who understand these kinds of wounds from the inside, but who are also doing the work to heal, rebuild, and become something more whole than what they were handed.
How long ago was it since you spoke to him last? Do you talk about what caused you guys to not talk anymore in any of your essay?
I haven't made it through all of them yet and if you did, just point me to which one and I'll read it there so you don't have to write it out on my comments section, also, even if you didn't write about it yet, definitely don't feel the need to answer that question over a comment section if you don't want to.
Agreed about finding each other. Its so crazy how that happened. I don't even remember how I stumbled upon your work, but I'm glad I did. :D
100% agree about your comment about meeting people who understand and can hold space for our wounds. Its been truly lifegiving for me in many ways.
We last spoke a few days after my daughter was born and she's almost 20 months. I don't think I've talked about him in any of my others posts. I'm happy to share it with you though I will do it in DMs when I have a bit more time to write it. 😊
I may write about it one day but I generally just write about what feels alive in me at the moment and that story hasn't. Haha
This is so deeply relatable in multiple ways.
The way you describe building structure around complex, chaotic systems really resonated with me. I used to describe myself almost exactly that way: “I bring order to chaos.” It’s how I ended up in management consulting and then data analytics. From the outside, it looked like ambition or competence, but underneath it was a hyper-vigilant nervous system trying to manage the environment because, for a long time, not being able to manage the environment felt unbearable. I had to rebuild from the inside out.
In my case, much of it was also connected to my father. And what you named feels especially important: he was not a villain. That is part of what makes the grief so complicated.
My dad believes he was heroic as a father because he was “around,” but he is also a deeply complicated person who carries his own childhood wounds so far in front of him that I don’t think he can see the person across from him.
We stopped talking a few days after I had my daughter, and he has never met her. I carry grief about that, and also grief around the possibility that he may never meet her and that we may never speak again. He is paralyzed and has had serious bouts of illness, so there is a very real awareness that time may not be endless.
I’m really glad you found me here on Substack. It means a lot to meet people who understand these kinds of wounds from the inside, but who are also doing the work to heal, rebuild, and become something more whole than what they were handed.
How long ago was it since you spoke to him last? Do you talk about what caused you guys to not talk anymore in any of your essay?
I haven't made it through all of them yet and if you did, just point me to which one and I'll read it there so you don't have to write it out on my comments section, also, even if you didn't write about it yet, definitely don't feel the need to answer that question over a comment section if you don't want to.
Agreed about finding each other. Its so crazy how that happened. I don't even remember how I stumbled upon your work, but I'm glad I did. :D
100% agree about your comment about meeting people who understand and can hold space for our wounds. Its been truly lifegiving for me in many ways.
We last spoke a few days after my daughter was born and she's almost 20 months. I don't think I've talked about him in any of my others posts. I'm happy to share it with you though I will do it in DMs when I have a bit more time to write it. 😊
I may write about it one day but I generally just write about what feels alive in me at the moment and that story hasn't. Haha