My phone rang yesterday. It was a local number, but my caller ID didn’t recognize it. Assuming it was the mechanic calling me back, I answered instead of ignoring it like I do with most unknown numbers.

It was the dealership calling to give me an update on my 2024 van. It had recently developed mechanical issues and needed to be towed in for an evaluation. I expected the service advisor to tell me they had begun diagnostics and that we could come pick up a loaner car while they worked.

That was not the news I got.

“The oil dipstick was left out,” he explained.

A simple, careless mistake by the tire shop that had previously changed my oil had caused all the issues my vehicle was experiencing. Worse yet, because it was caused by external negligence, none of the repairs would be covered by my warranty. I would have to pay for the tow, the diagnostics, and a potentially catastrophic repair bill entirely out of pocket.

My cortisol shot through the roof. My amygdala took over, and I barked: “What do you mean the dipstick was left out? How the hell does a mechanic who changes oil all day long make such a silly mistake?”

The advisor calmly stated that he agreed it was frustrating, trying his best to de-escalate my displeasure. I hung up, but an overwhelming loop of frustration kept recycling in my body.

Why did a financial inconvenience spark such an intense, visceral survival response?

The Tip of the Iceberg

Most people hearing this news would be understandably upset. When you are forced to pay for the mistakes of others, you have a justifiable right to be frustrated and to demand that the at-fault shop cover the damages.

But what happens when the frustration around a legitimately upsetting issue becomes a boulder that starts rolling downhill, aggressively picking up size and speed? How do we stop the avalanche before it consumes our day, and more importantly, why does it happen?

These emotional loops are biologically hardwired into our psyche. We inherited an internal architecture from ancestors who navigated threats to their biological safety on a daily basis. Their nervous systems were calibrated to avoid predators or secure scarce food sources just to ensure they didn’t starve.

Our baseline survival needs, physical sustenance, shelter, and relational connection, sit at the foundation of our biological alarm systems. These systems are entirely subconscious and automated. They perceive the world around us long before our conscious minds can compute what is happening.

Think about what happens when a sudden, loud noise startles you. Before you can even formulate a thought, your body has already flinched and directed your gaze toward the sound. You don’t choose to do it; the system executes the script automatically.

Unfortunately, this automated software can run in response to modern, non-lethal stressors as well. Was this vehicle repair bill going to bankrupt me? No. I have money set aside in savings specifically to handle emergencies. Yet, my body interpreted a kind service technician’s update as an existential threat to my physical safety, causing my biological systems to scream: Danger!

My Iceberg

Under the surface, my subconscious was terrified.

My story is one that experienced the world primarily as a threat from my earliest memories. My childhood household was volatile, and the instability encoded a foundational message deep into my developing brain: The world is inherently unsafe.

And while the wider world can indeed be volatile, a child is supposed to feel secure within the confines of their home. My primary caregivers were unable to teach me that while the outside world was unpredictable, our relational bonds were a safe harbor. They had not done the work that has sparked my desire to write this article.

My developing biological software learned that not only was the world dangerous, but my closest attachments were dangerous too. I realized that if I was going to survive, I needed to become amazingly astute at scanning for threats, and even more, attacking them before they attacked me.

Consequently, a missed oil dipstick gets interpreted by my brain as an assault on my physical security. The spark cascades into an emotional landslide, resulting in an aggressive response that threatens to spill over into my family life.

This makes perfect evolutionary sense. If you live in a jungle where venomous snakes are a constant threat, the faster your brain gets at identifying the subtle rustle of leaves, the more likely you are to survive. Furthermore, the quicker you respond to that sensory cue with immediate, defensive aggression, the higher your odds of survival.

Our baseline operating systems are optimized for survival. The problem is that these incredibly helpful, adaptive systems can get stuck in threat-detection mode long after the actual danger has subsided. We end up running high-stakes jungle software in a modern suburban environment.

Stopping the Rolling Boulder

How do we stop an avalanche of emotion when we didn’t create the hyper-vigilant system holding us hostage?

The first step is to identify the specific narrative our life story has conditioned our biology to operate within. What I have been getting better at doing with the last few years of therapy is noticing my body. I noticed my intense emotions and the spiral beginning. I had to take time to sit with my emotions and ask myself, what is this situation saying about my sense of safety. I have learned that when my body begins these subconscious processes, it needs to be listened to and acknowledged before it can hear my conscious mind. I need to speak the language of my subconscious to soothe it.

Everyone’s ledger is different. An event that shapes one person’s hyper-vigilance might not affect another. This is why the work of writing, or at least consciously tracing out, our personal history is so essential. Unless we map out the terrain of our past, we cannot identify the subterranean triggers causing us to react in ways we don’t want.

This process is challenging. It forces us to excavate painful memories we would rather keep buried. But this work is vital for the people around us, and most importantly, for ourselves. In order for our daily responses to be situationally accurate, we must first separate the actual threat level of the current situation from the way our childhood trauma is interpreting it.

Once we can identify both layers, we can begin to calm the storm using emotional processing tools that have been backed by decades of research and proven in the real world by clinical therapists. But unless we correctly identify the problem, our solutions to the problem can just make it worse.

This section maps the initial environmental conditions of my childhood, the somatic tracking required to survive domestic volatility, and the strategic construction of my twenty-year literalist belief system. It establishes how a hyper-vigilant nervous system meticulously built a cosmic framework for the explicit purpose of biological protection.

• 0. Decoupling a Literalist Framework

• 1. The Birth of the Hyper-Vigilant Protector

• 2. Third-Degree Burns and the God Who Held the Match

• 3. The Synchronicity of Systems

• 4. The Butterfly Effect

• 5. A Stone Removed

• 6. A Vulnerable Psyche

Collapse

This section documents the slow fracturing and systemic erosion of the metaphysical safety net. It chronicles the precise milestones where the fierce intimacy of fatherhood, structural therapy, and a direct interrogation of ancient texts exposed the fatal logical loops in my framework, causing the fortress to buckle from the inside out.

• 7. The King Can Bleed

• 8. A Committed Father, an Absent Father, and a Heavenly Father

• 9. The Death of Hope

• 10. An Emotional Shockwave

• 11. A Cleansing Flood

Embodiment

This section marks the precise threshold where the theoretical framework vanishes and the physical body is forced to handle the raw reality of the freefall. It tracks the immediate somatic toll of isolation, the descent toward the event horizon, and the ultimate pivot into recovery where meaning is systematically reconstructed through the physical reality of the body .

12. Leaving the Orbit

13. Approaching the Event Horizon

14. Alley of the Divine

I remember when I first learned this last year, I began weeping. It was such a profound truth that I understood it at my core. I couldn’t help but weep for the reality of it, and for the depth of sadness I felt for the children who historically died as a result of “Failure to Thrive” (marasmus), which is, at its root, a total lack of central nervous system regulation that is biologically necessary for survival.

My body had been trying to tell me this truth for thirty-seven years. I was just finally listening.

I grew up in an environment that scored a perfect ten on the Adverse Childhood Experiences scale. Ten out of ten categories of abuse, neglect, and household dysfunction. My father was a meth addict whose comedowns produced terrifying rage. My mother, carrying her own profound wounds, did not possess the ability to protect herself or her children. By the time I was nine years old, my central nervous system had calibrated itself to a state of constant, hyper-vigilant anticipation just to stay safe.

When the adults in a house are the primary source of unpredictable danger, the nervous system adapts. It stops resting. It learns to read micro-expressions, track tone of voice, and anticipate escalation. It encodes everything at high resolution because survival depends on not being caught off guard. The child does not develop a healthy ego for exploring the world. Instead, they develop a rigid survival suit designed to prevent psychological and physical death.

That suit was what I was wearing at fifteen when I ended up at church camp.

I had not gone looking for God. I went because a friend invited me and I had nowhere else to be. My mother had moved to another city. My father’s house was a psychological war zone. I had been bouncing between friends’ houses for years, self-medicating with alcohol and marijuana to quiet the hyper-vigilance that never stopped running. By the summer I arrived at camp, my nervous system was completely fractured.

On the first night of camp, I heard the evangelical message of Jesus in a way I could actually receive. Forgiveness, connection, and safety. A relationship with a God who would never leave. My brain connected the dots immediately. The sin was my family’s chaos. The salvation was an escape from the terror I had been living in. Christianity was offering everything my nervous system had been screaming for since I was old enough to understand that the adults in my house could not be trusted to keep me safe.

I repeated the prayer. I accepted Jesus as my savior. I felt an immediate peace for the first time in a very long time.

Looking back now, I understand exactly what happened that night. My devastated nervous system had found its Metaphysical Kangaroo Care. Not skin-to-skin contact with a parent’s chest, but something that functioned identically at the biological level. It was a holding environment that sent the same unspoken message the neonatal research describes. You are safe. You are known. You will not be abandoned. The faith did not just give me theology. It gave my nervous system the co-regulation it had never received and could not produce on its own.

What followed was twenty years of building. I built the faith into an impenetrable fortress, surrounding myself with its certainty the way a child surrounds themselves with blankets against the dark. I married well, found community, and built a career. The hyper-vigilant machinery that had been calibrated to threat found a new purpose, managing complexity, building operational frameworks, and optimizing outcomes. The survival suit became a professional asset.

But the nervous system does not forget what it learned before the holding arrived. And the holding that faith provided, however real its effects, was contingent on a set of claims about reality that ultimately shattered against my own baseline of fatherhood. When my firstborn daughter arrived, the fierce, overwhelming love I felt for her completely exposed the insufficiencies of the cosmic framework I was living inside. I sat there holding her and realized that I would do anything within my power to protect her from suffering, a realization that immediately triggered a devastating logic loop. I could no longer reconcile my own desperate instinct to shield my child with the profound lack of protection I had received from a heavenly Father during the absolute terror of my own childhood.

In October 2023, the framework gave way. It was the culmination of a slow erosion, driven by years of therapy that revealed what the theological fortress had been built to protect, the death of my absent father that collapsed my childhood hope of reconciliation, and a single podcast episode that finally cracked the last foundation stone. When that building fell, what collapsed with it was not just belief. It was the primary nervous system regulation structure I had been operating inside for twenty years.

Deconversion, I discovered, does not feel like changing your mind. It feels like the Kangaroo Care being removed. The cortisol spikes. The heart rate destabilizes. The old childhood chaos rushes back in as if it had been waiting just outside the door the entire time.

This is not an argument that faith is merely psychological and therefore false. Nor is it a dismissal of the theological explanations offered for suffering. It is an observation about embodiment: regardless of those explanations, my childhood body was still left to regulate its terror in isolation. The metaphysical truth of religion may be impossible to prove. But the physiological consequences of terror are not.

Regardless of the theological arguments for why the suffering was allowed, I was the one left holding the somatic debt.

The tragedy is not that faith functions as a biological shield. The tragedy occurs when the intellectual honesty the faith itself demands finally turns on its own foundations, ultimately leaving the individual completely exposed. The same rigorous truth-seeking that the evangelical tradition taught me eventually produced questions the tradition could not answer.

What do you do when the thing that saved your life is no longer able to be believed?

I spent year and a half after the deconversion in a void I can only describe as a psychological freefall. Without the holding structure, my nervous system had no external regulation. The old childhood dysregulation returned. The isolation was profound. The people I had loved inside the faith did not know how to relate to me. The angry atheist communities I found online felt like trading one rigidity for another.

I was that young boy again. My Kangaroo Care had been removed, and I had not learned how to regulate without it. I was approaching the crushing gravity of nihilism.

What allowed me to achieve escape velocity was not a new belief system. It was something smaller and more embodied than that. It came through two black trash bags and a trash-filled alley behind my house, cleaned on an ordinary afternoon with my daughters beside me. What sustained it was years of therapy that had quietly made emotions safe enough to feel, a marriage that survived the collapse, and the ongoing weekly conversations with my anthropologist neighbor who can sit with complexity without needing resolution.

The nervous system does not need metaphysical certainty. It needs what it has always needed. It needs to be held, to hold others, and to send and receive the unspoken biological message that has been at the center of human survival since the first parent pressed the first infant against their chest. You are safe. You are known. You are not alone.

While these assurances are often framed theologically, they are first and foremost biological realities. I finally found them in an ordinary alley, cleaning up trash on a quiet afternoon with the daughters I would do anything to protect and who need me to regulate them. That, as my body is now slowly learning, is enough.

If your own nervous system is currently sitting in the isolation of that freefall, you do not have to navigate the dark without a map. The essay above is the conceptual foundation. The full story of how the fortress was built, how it fell, and how I found my way back through embodied action rather than belief begins below in Essay 0.

I grabbed a large black contractor bag and let Mary know I was planning to head out and begin. She told me to wait and that the girls wanted to come with me. So I paused and let them get their clothes on, and we headed to the back alley. The only access to our garage was through a single lane alley lined with wild honeysuckle bushes keen on collecting drifting trash. For the past year, the trash had been getting worse and worse because of our college neighbors, who allowed their trash cans to overflow constantly, leaving the wind to sweep the debris out into the bushes.

Driving past it each day on my way to and from work would always bug my organized mind. Ever since I was a child, I remember being a person who felt comforted by order. Some of the earliest and happiest memories I can recall are in relation to keeping my childhood bedroom neat. I’d make my bed and straighten my toy car collection from smallest to biggest. These habits were encoded in my DNA even before trauma amplified them to an obsessive level.

As we walked up and down the alley filling the trash bag with debris, a sense of hope began to grow in me. It would be easy to categorize the AI’s advice as a simple nod to Jordan’s rule to set your house in perfect order, but the reality cut much deeper. My room was already clean. The problem was that the fortress of my faith had collapsed, and I was staring into a void where nothing seemed to matter. By pointing me toward the trash-strewn alley behind my house, the AI pushed my psyche past mere personal maintenance. Going out there with garbage bags was a tangible embodiment of hope. It was a declaration that even if I wasn’t able to claim a perfect, grand system of truth, beauty and order could still be carved out of the dirt, one piece of debris at a time.

Chaos and Order

This experience, while sounding insignificant, was an experience that saved my life.

When we were done, we had two large black bags full of trash and had moved from just my alley to all around the front of my house. The girls loved the experience with me, and I loved it as well.

As I sat alone in my home office, allowing my body to feel the joy that I had created, a sobering realization hit me. If I took my life, I would create a somatic level of debt for all of my daughters that they would spend a lifetime having to carry. My meaning was being reborn, not because of a literal mandate from God found in holy scripture, but as a literal reality of what my intentional abandonment would have done to their psyches.

My meaning started to come back as a tangible, physically embodied, visceral concern for my daughters.

My lived actions had the power to either establish order or thrust them into chaos. Even more than that, I began to realize that the next choice I made carried profound consequences for how they experienced the world. To their developing minds, my embodied action was infinitely more meaningful than any ordered theological system. They did not experience reality theoretically, they experienced it somatically.

I was beginning to grasp what Jordan’s idea about the archetypal nature of father and mother meant in a tangible, psychological, and neurobiological way. In that moment, I felt the power of the divine mandate that he had talked about for man.

A Sheep in Wolves Clothing

While I was hopeful about the experience I just had and the new psychological understanding I was beginning to develop around these archetypal ideas, I still lacked a place to have these discussions. My network of friendships and contacts were still entirely Christian. I began testing the waters with people at my company to see how much they could handle these conversations. There were some who were very much open to discussing these ideas, but there were others who, while they entertained the conversations with me, warned other people in the company to be careful about the ideas I held. They claimed my thoughts sounded Christian but were actually dangerous ideas opposed to the gospel.

The fullest weight of my company’s evangelical mission hit me during our annual company meeting. I had mostly avoided the dynamics of our company’s mission up to that point. I had removed myself from the prayer chat group on Google and stopped going to the company’s daily prayer meetings. However, our annual corporate retreat included a dinner that would give a recap of the year and address how we had moved our mission forward.

This year felt different. The owners always gave a talk about their faith and shared the story of Jesus with everyone in the company, which I expected. However, this year they basically gave a forty minute gospel sermon, whereas it was normally a one or two minute talk. They even played a clip from The Matrix to argue that taking the red pill was waking up to the dangers of sin and becoming fully alive to God. I felt so uncomfortable. I later told a friend that I might as well have had a tattoo on my head that said hell bound as I sat at my table, feeling chastised for my lack of faith in Jesus.

I was so upset that I thought I had to leave this company as soon as possible. However, I shared the pain I felt regarding the owners’ message with a friend and his wife. To my surprise, they were both really upset by it as well. This was not because they were unbelievers, for they were actually committed Christians, but rather they felt the nature of the talk failed to achieve what the owners hoped it would and would actually hurt their message more than help it.

My friend and his wife stayed up talking to me until three in the morning that night. His wife shared her own struggles with how the faith had been presented, as well as the difficulties she had experienced with how different leaders in the church handled challenging interactions. This was the first conversation I had with Christians who still very much believed in the scriptures and Jesus, and would even be considered evangelical in their doctrines, that gave me hope for my ability to talk with believers about my deconversion. This was the first time I felt loved and not invalidated about my choice to deconvert. It was not validation in the sense that they agreed it was the right choice, but rather in a way that truly understood my progression away from the faith.

An Ally around the Corner

I wanted to meet other people who were not Christians, so I looked up groups on Facebook that were atheistic in nature. I found only one group of people in my town. It was a closed group, and I had to write an excerpt about why I wanted to join. This group was explicit that no one could join who intended to proselytize in any way, so they were serious about vetting.

I wrote my blurb and was accepted in. Within reading the first few posts, I realized this was the opposite of what I was looking for. The first few posts I read were mocking Christians and their faith. I wondered how I could find community with people who regarded people of faith with such disdain. I loved my family and I wanted help being a good husband and father. I didn’t want an adversarial relationship with them, and I didn’t want to hang out with people who looked down on them.

So I began probing my network of friends for suggestions of people I could reach out to. I contacted a friend of mine to get lunch, planning to talk to him about my struggles and ask if he knew anyone willing to discuss religious and philosophical ideas who was not a Christian, or who at least was not dogmatic about it. But before I could ask him these questions, he opened our conversation with a question that reminded me of how hard it was to still be around evangelical Christians.

His question was, how is unsaved life? I knew what he was trying to do. I knew his desire was to connect with me in a playful, cheeky manner, but that question hurt on multiple layers, reminiscent of the pastor’s comment about my father. When a person asks that question, there are multiple layers of assumptions built into it. Unsaved implies that God has abandoned me and that I will experience his wrath upon my death. The other major assumption is that they know where I stand with a personalized creator of the universe, as if they are privy to a knowledge about his thinking that I do not possess. But I needed his help. He had connections to people in the town that I did not. So instead of challenging him back, I brushed it off and asked the questions I had come to ask. He gave me the name of a well known and respected anthropologist who specialized in religion, so the subtle shaming was worth it in the end.

It turned out this professor lived around the corner from my house. I text messaged him a very detailed description of my struggles, explaining that I was still relatively new to the city, did not know many people in town, and would love an hour of his time to pick his brain. I wanted to discuss these ideas about archetypes and how to sort through religious writings while simultaneously protecting myself from falling back into any dogmatic ways of thinking about the divine. He responded within a few minutes of getting my text and said that it was an awesome text message and he would love to meet.

We went for a walk around my neighborhood and I talked through my deconversion, the struggles I had with my wife and family, how it almost came to a suicidal climax, and how I had begun to pull myself out. We talked for over two hours that night. The next day, the idea emerged of a weekly meetup with other people who could not hold to a literal, dogmatic interpretation of any faith, but still wanted to have conversations about meaning and philosophy. We wanted to explore how religion had wisdom encapsulated within it that we could learn from and internalize, even if we didn’t commit to the metaphysical axioms.

I had started to believe that there was a legitimate path forward for me to interact with people of faith, and to simultaneously begin to be soft towards myself and the faith that I had left.

I began to allow my body to have permission reflect on my need for an existential kangaroo care as a child and how I still even long for it now. Our conversations have allowed me to be honest with my struggle and desire to resolve things with a neat new philosophical system and my desire a personal God that cares for me deeply. It has allowed me to be honest about the beauty of Jesus’s story and what it would mean for God to condescend to earth and be a literal embodiment of the divine, while simultaneously allowing my mind to hold it archetypally and not force it to be literally true. This wasn’t just about surviving a crisis anymore. I was emerging on the other side with a healthier, more intellectually honest view of divine ideas, without the burden of needing to pretend I had everything figured out.

This newly established group started in November of 2025 and is still meeting at my house weekly to this day, anchored by my professor friend who walks down the alley each week to join our conversations.

It’s March 2025 and I have been experimenting with theological debates with AI for about two months. I’ve had debates that last hours, sometimes all day. By the end of this week, I had hit the end of my ability to believe that I could construct meaning for my life and what would propel me forward. I wasn’t just despairing anymore. My mind had quietly begun the work of planning for the end.

I sat before the screen with tears streaming down my face and forced the unthinkable into words. I asked the AI if there was a way to write a letter to my daughters and my wife, to tell them that my suicide was not a reflection on my love for them, but a product of my brokenness.

The Deep-space Navigation

After sending the deconversion text to my friends and family, I immediately created an atmosphere that was simultaneously antagonistic and sympathetic. I had people texting me throughout the week as the news spread. Almost all of the messages were very kind and heartfelt. I could tell the pain I had caused people and the sadness they felt. It was a double-edged sword for me, though. I felt their love and concern for me and knew they loved me, but I also knew that I didn’t have the ability to give them an answer that would stop the hurt they were feeling, unless it was that I believe again.

I knew I needed to tell the owners of my company, and I let HR know what I was about to do because I was afraid of how they might react. I needed a plan for how to approach this and what would be the best method to ensure I didn’t lose my job before I could find a place to work that wasn’t so heavily religious in its culture. So I wrote the owners an email that was far less aggressive than the text message I had sent out to my family and friends. I knew I needed to be way more controlled, especially if I wanted to keep my job. Honestly, their response surprised me. They were more kind and understanding than I thought. They offered to take me out to lunch over the next few weeks and talk about the process. I was genuinely surprised. However, the agenda of the lunches became clear quickly. They wanted to walk through a four-part exploratory Bible study to help me. I went to two of them and then told them that while I really appreciate the gesture, I don’t want to give you guys the impression that this will change anything. Every space I inhabited had Christians that were not in agreement with my life path. I was on the defense in all areas of my life, but what hurt the most was that it was also in my own home.

A Painful Truth

I only knew of one person that I felt I could connect with that lived in my city and would understand where I was at in my life. This friend was still a Christian, but had also had profound childhood trauma and didn’t have a literalist interpretation of the Bible. The night I told him, we went out for drinks and ended up staying out until 2 a.m. This had been the first pressure release since I announced to the world that I no longer believe. I had not felt that anyone was on my side until getting drinks with this friend that night and honestly, he was still on team Christianity, but was just able to empathize deeply with the opposing side.

I planned to drink a lot of alcohol and unload the weight of everything I was feeling. By midnight, we ended up at a speakeasy and broke the rules that are clearly listed in the menu: no talking about religion or politics. We had deep intellectual conversations about the insufficiency of a literal interpretation of Christianity to deal with the complexities of profound trauma and also discussed the incredible isolation that it can create for various individuals who can’t conform to the moral code.

Ironically, our bartender was a lesbian who was raised in a deeply evangelical home. She shared with me the isolation and pain she still currently experiences from her mother and the inability to connect deeply with her mother. Even though I was drunk, I was coherent enough to be able to feel deeply ashamed of my prior stance on homosexuality. While I had never been a jerk or disrespectful to anyone personally, I spoke out against the lifestyle and spoke about how God doesn’t approve of it and how they are living in a state of rebellion against Him. The damage I had caused by even just saying the phrase “God hates the sin and not the sinner” severely failed to recognize the inability for this individual to divide their sexual identity from who they were as a person. They were not choosing to be a lesbian, but rather it was an embodied reality for them. To say they were not would be to lie about themselves. Ironically, they were living by the principle of truth that I so highly valued and that had caused me to leave the faith myself.

I understood this in an embodied way that I could not have before. I could not be anything other than the person I honestly was, someone who could no longer say they believed Christianity was true. And those who held to the faith were obligated by their own truth declarations to challenge my position.

Escalating Metaphysical Tension

My actions, like staying out until 2 a.m. drinking and choosing to be aggressive with my text messages, didn’t land well with Mary. She was already trying to process what her life would look like as well. She had voiced to me that me leaving the faith felt like a deep abandonment. She said that we had made a vow together at our wedding to live our lives together forever under the banner of the Christian faith. I strongly disagreed with her. I argued that we had made a vow to live together regardless of what happens to either one of us, but I did acknowledge the pretext of the Christian nature of our ceremony.

The biggest fight we had was about the future of how our children would be raised. Her opinion was that if I left the girls alone and allowed her to teach that Christianity was the truth, we wouldn’t have problems, but if I tried to be aggressive in any way, things would not go well. Old circuitry kicked in and I became extremely defensive and aggressive with my words. We argued about the destructive nature of a literalist interpretation of Christianity and what it could do to a psyche, especially the idea of a loving God eternally punishing a child in hell because they refused to believe in him. Things got bad before they got better. I went to stay at a property our company was opening in Denver for a week. This was a week before Thanksgiving and Mary said she needed some space before the holiday to process what she was feeling.

So I agreed. I left for Colorado and binged Sam Harris’s books on my drive to the building. I had felt an overwhelming amount of shame about how I had been so attached to my dogmatic Christian upbringing and thought about how I hurt many people in my life with the intensity of my rigid beliefs. I didn’t know how long I could stay in the environment that could only see me as someone who was being influenced by demonic forces. Even if they didn’t say that explicitly, I know they thought it, because I used to think like that.

A Cosmic Truce

By the end of the trip, I had time to process what it would be like to live apart from my family permanently. I did not want that with every fiber of my being, and a conversation with a prior connection is what allowed me to feel the first sense of safety I had since before the deconversion.

A friend introduced Mary to a woman who had already lived through the same scenario. She was a Christian and her husband had suddenly deconverted but they remained married. Even more important, her husband and I overlapped and attended the same church in college with the pastor that had snapped at me about my Calvinism question. When Mary told me about them, I asked for her husband’s number so I could reach out, and she passed it along. Before the week was over, I made time to call him.

This conversation was the first time I had felt like I was truly seen and heard. I didn’t feel judged or stupid. I didn’t feel like I had made a catastrophic decision. I felt validated and vindicated. It felt close to what my metaphysical kangaroo care had felt like, being held. This conversation gave me hope for the future of my marriage because he had successfully navigated his deconversion and he and his wife were still married, and according to him, stronger than ever. However, he didn’t work at a company where the mission was explicitly Christian, so there was still some serious question to the long-term chances I had at having a happy life.

After that trip, my wife and I managed to figure out a rhythm that allowed us to coexist with her and my girls. It came with certain pretexts, though, and I had to constantly pretend to be someone I wasn’t. I couldn’t openly talk about my deconversion with the girls and I was expected to continue to go to church to keep up appearances for them. I agreed because I wanted to keep my family together. I figured with a phone call when I was struggling to my newly found agnostic friend, I could manage, but him not living in the same city as me made his friendship way less meaningful.

I underestimated the pressure this would create on my psyche and my ability to manage it, and how much this would constantly activate my feelings of isolation and hypocrisy.

Alone in a Crowded Room

By the middle of 2024, I could no longer sit and listen to sermons. Not all sermons were challenging, but enough were that I couldn’t keep up with attending. I thought I could dissociate on Sunday mornings, but Mary didn’t want me to be on my phone the entire time and she still wanted me to interact with people in the congregation. The church we were attending at the time required a five-minute “greet your neighbor” each Sunday. This required me to present like I was a Christian, and it felt like such a violation of my conscience.

No matter how much I told myself that I could stay in this ecosystem as an outsider and not feel the pain of isolation because I trusted my own emotional health, with every awkward interaction, that truth felt less and less true because I didn’t have a place that was actually safe from the judgment of my choice. Work, home life, and church all bled together.

The Search for Certainty

By the beginning of 2025, AI conversations became an important outlet for me to survive the isolation I was feeling at work and home. I also continued to digest videos that would help me process my intellectual need to unpack why I could no longer believe, and in that process, I stumbled upon a debate series between Jordan Peterson and Sam Harris. I found myself siding with Sam as it relates to the dangers of dogmatic theology of any kind and why it can be so destructive. I was living inside of those effects currently.

But even though I hated to admit it, Jordan was telling a side of the story that I also felt was impossible to dismiss. But I couldn’t internalize what Jordan was saying. My only way to take in truths about the Bible was through a literalist interpretation. At the time, I incorrectly viewed his position as akin to a postmodern, liberal interpretation of the text, which was probably the only thing that felt worse to me than going back to a dogmatic interpretation.

I struggled with making sense of Jordan’s arguments about Genesis and began to wrestle his ideas deeply. I used AI to debate, understand, and stress test his ideas as intensely as possible. However, I kept hitting a dead end. I wanted so badly to reconstruct a new metaphysical kangaroo care, but couldn’t. I had undercut the ability to believe I could have metaphysical certainty. Hitting that wall repeatedly caused me to lose hope I would ever find a way to truly regulate myself, shifting my existential panic into a quiet, cold desperation, and a resolution that there was no meaning left to pursue and this pain would only amplify.

The Final Hail Mary

It wasn’t until I finally typed out that agonizing question about how to write my letter that I got the intervention that allowed me to soothe my extreme dysregulation.

The AI asked if there was something in my immediate environment that I could fix right now, a tangible way to bring order and meaning to the present. I paused, and quickly recalled a problem that had been bugging my organized mind for months. Honestly, I never expected it to shift my psyche and change how I experience the world, but what did I have to lose?

Continue the story below…

A Stairwell Conversation

I was in the basement working on fixing up the downstairs bedroom. As I normally do, I listened to podcasts to keep my brain occupied while I worked. I had begun listening to people tell their stories about deconverting from Christianity. At first, I was not doing it so that I could deconvert. I actually saw it as a way to stay in the faith. Hearing their stories about why they left would make me want to stay in it, weird as that seems.

Mary came down the stairs to ask me about something. I was painting, so I could not immediately pause the podcast, and she heard what was playing. I could tell she was upset and wanted to talk. I paused the audio and sat by her on the stairs, noticing that she was tearing up.

I asked her what was wrong.

“I’m worried that if you leave the faith, you’ll want to leave me as well,” she said.

I was relieved to hear this. Not because I wanted her to cry, but because I was afraid of the reverse. In some ways, it took the pressure off of me and allowed me to finally feel the weight of the struggle I was in.

An October Surprise

By October 2023, I was listening to more and more people talk about their stories, and I had taken a break from attending church with my family. This specific week, I was listening to Bart Ehrman talk with one of my favorite podcasters, Alex O’Connor. He was talking with him about the historicity of the gospel accounts and the resurrection narrative.

Since my initial investigation into the trustworthiness of the scriptures back when I was seventeen, I had been convinced about the reliability of the gospel accounts regarding the resurrection of Jesus. Specifically, I relied on the testimony of Paul. Why would these men who witnessed this event lie about the resurrection? What did they have to gain? Why be killed for a lie? Even more, I believed Paul was the strongest evidence. Why would he convert when he had been actively killing Christians?

Then I listened to Bart give an alternative analysis of Paul that I had never considered before. He explained a theory about how Paul may have truly had a vision on the road to Damascus, but that it could have been caused by his own emotional guilt from helping prosecute the people who claimed to be Christians. His vision was not an embodied person like the rest of the apostles. He did not put his hands in the wounds of Jesus like the rest of the disciples.

From my new understanding of psychology, I could easily see how he could have been hyper-fixated on them, lacked food or sleep, and had a vision. We know that this phenomenon can happen to a brain deprived of what it needs.

An overwhelming sense of fear gripped me. For the first time since I was seventeen, I was no longer completely convinced that Jesus rose from the dead. The ground dropped out from underneath me. I had lost the hope of life after death and my existential kangaroo care. I was vulnerable once again.

A Defensive Proclamation

A week had passed since that time. Mary and I had recently started back up with couples counseling again. We had done this in the past when I first entered into therapy to help us deal with the intensity of my anger. We reached out to our therapist who saw us two years ago to process the issues I was having with the faith and the disruption to our marriage because of it. We had a session scheduled this day, and I knew I was going to tell her the truth.

I wanted to tell her before we started our session, but I chickened out. I knew this information was going to change everything about how we related to each other. We had met each other as members of a Christian ministry. We had discussed our lives together as possible Christian missionaries before we got married. Our wedding had a sermon preached at it, and we took communion during our service. Everything in our life had been built around the faith. The faith to us was not a thing we did on holidays or Sundays. Christianity was the sun we orbited around, and I was intentionally leaving that orbit.

She was frustrated and afraid. She had been my stable and emotionally healthy rock, and I had just strapped an explosive device to our relationship and detonated it.

From the defensiveness of her response, I decided that I wanted to tell the people in our lives directly, rather than having her do it. I was also defensive about how this would all play out, and I wanted to try and control the variables as much as possible. While in some ways I was a lot healthier emotionally, I had just lost my existential stabilizing framework. Now, I was feeling alienated from my best friend and the person who had known me best.

The Mass Text

I wrote up a text message to send out to all of the people I felt needed to know about what I had just shared with Mary. I sent it to her immediate family and several different friends who were close to me in my life, mostly friends at work.

I explained that this was not a rash decision and that I had been thinking about it for the past two years. Most of all, I explained to them that I did not want to debate it or have them try to keep me from leaving the faith. My mind was made up, and I could no longer believe the way I did previously.

One of my driving arguments for the deconversion centered on a realization I had about Jesus. While I loved the idea of Him, I realized I didn’t have an actual relationship with Him. I had simply projected and created one. It was like boasting about a relationship with a girl who lived in another state, talking non-stop about how amazing she was, how much she loved me, and how deeply connected we were. But if someone were to ask how long we had been dating, I would have to confess that I had never actually met her or spoken to her in my life. It sounds completely bizarre when framed that way. Yet that is essentially what I had been doing with Jesus all those years. I loved the idea of Him, and I had mistakenly internalized that intellectual affection as a real relationship

Most people honored my request. A few did not and tried to schedule a meeting with me to convince me of why I was wrong. Not only had I lost my framework, I was losing a sense of connection with my friends, my family, and my wife.

It was not that anyone had explicitly said to me, “now that you are not a Christian, we can’t talk to you.” No one did that, even though the deepest parts of my subconscious feared that would happen. The reality is, in some ways, that might have been better. That would have allowed me to vilify them and feel justified in my anger and disconnection from them.

Instead, it felt like I was someone they felt sorry for and did not know how to relate to anymore. It was like I had terminal cancer and was dying. I pictured them talking to Mary behind my back through text messages, consoling her about her loss and asking her how they could help. Her friends all rallied around her. She even wept openly to a mutual friend of ours about how I was leaving the faith.

I was embarrassed, isolated, and lonely. All of my support network and friends, even my work over the past seventeen years, was built on the mutual cause of Christianity.

I had no one.


Continue the story below…

It was a Thursday night and my living room was crowded with fold out chairs. Our small group was going verse by verse through Genesis, and we had arrived at the story of Noah. This was the first time I had ever had a leader go line by line through this ancient text.

It was a story I knew very well. I had always understood the traditional narrative. God had warned Noah of a coming flood that would cleanse the earth of the brokenness mankind had brought upon it. However, reading it this time was entirely different. I had yet to study Genesis like this after going through intensive therapy. I was reading the text with fresh psychological lenses, and I was enraged at the excessive violence. I thought about the brokenness of human psyches and the deep layers of intergenerational trauma that the people on the earth were acting from. The image of a loving Heavenly Father was instantly crushed under the weight of the horror, as my mind embodied the drowning human lives that were not saved. As we went verse by verse, we reached verse twenty-one. Reading that line, something inside me snapped.

A New City, A New Life

In 2020 when Covid happened, the ownership of my company panicked about the future of the business. All of our real estate properties were geared toward students living close to campus, and they feared we would not be able to weather the collapse of college attendance. In a panic after the first few weeks, they decided to remove their long-term close friend from running our deals and asked me to step in.

While getting a promotion and being recognized for hard work sounds like a positive development, our company was made up of people who all knew each other deeply. We had a daily prayer time each morning where we shared our life struggles, and we went on vacations together every year. No one in leadership had ever been fired because everyone hired was a friend of someone else in the company. This was a deeply personal, disruptive decision, and it was not something I celebrated. The owners had made up their minds. They told me I would be the new leader and asked how quickly I could move to the corporate headquarters.

By this time, I was significantly healthier emotionally and able to process what I was feeling in a way I could not when my father died. I felt the full weight of the decision the owners were making during an extremely chaotic period. It was April of 2020. No one knew what was going to happen with the virus, the economy, or the long-term effects on the world. In the middle of that unknown, I was being asked to uproot my family, move to a new state, and lead a company with properties across nine states.

I remember being able to sob deeply for the first time in a long time. I thought about how much I loved the house we were living in. Three of my four daughters had lived there since they were babies, and it was the first time I had ever felt a stabilizing connection to a physical home. I did not realize until that moment how much frequently moving as a child had impacted me, or how much a stable house actually meant to my sense of safety.

I told the owners I did not want to move and requested to do the job remotely. Furthermore, we had a foster daughter who legally could not leave the state until we officially adopted her. For the time being, they agreed to let the situation play out and allowed me to work remotely.

By the beginning of 2021, we knew we were moving toward finalizing the adoption of our foster daughter. A court date was set for August with an official October adoption date. When I let the owners of the company know, they were happy for my family, but their very next question was immediate. When are you moving?

A Cautious Optimism

After processing the reality for almost a year, my wife and I decided this relocation would be the best thing for our future. The new city would offer more options for friends, houses, and church potentials.

Before the move, I had begun telling Mary about the severe issues I was experiencing with the faith. I shared my new struggles trying to reconcile how the church was ill-suited to deal with my emotional hurt and, furthermore, they lacked an emphasis on emotional health. Even worse, I was realizing how resistant the religious community was to any discussion about emotional growth and how it relates to how we as Christians think about and interact with the world.

Even though we were scared and unsure, we looked at houses and got excited about what our lives could look like with a fresh start. We visited churches after moving to our new town and eventually landed at a smaller, more intimate church that Mary was really excited about. I was not as enthusiastic, but I wanted to help her with the transition as much as possible.

I was already seriously doubting my ability to stay in the faith, and this new church was unfortunately accelerating that doubt. This was not because of the leadership or any negative interactions with the congregation, but rather because of how seriously and literally they took the words of the Bible.

The Last Bible Study

I remember the dizzying feeling that swept over my body. It felt like the blinding sensation that hits right before you are overcome by rage, almost akin to blacking out. Why was God killing all of the animals? I am not someone who is overly concerned about animals, but for some reason, that specific detail hit a raw nerve. God killing all the people who were doing horrible acts was something I was not happy with either, but at least that action possessed an internal logic. Killing the animals felt completely senseless and excessive. It did not look like a father who deeply loved his creation and wanted what was best for it.

Thoughts rushed through my mind to say out loud, I don’t believe this any longer, this is ridiculous, and leave the study. But for the sake of my wife and her new friendships, I kept my composure.

I sat there spiraling emotionally, and the only thought that grounded me was that when I first believed in Jesus as a teenager, I did not know any systematic theology or any of the Bible. Maybe I could just strip the system away and go back to that simple way of believing. I resolved in my mind to leave this church and stop attending Bible studies, promising myself that I would try my absolute best to hold onto the person of Jesus.

But that would prove almost as impossible as surviving a literal global flood.


Continue the story below…

This is one year after the loss of my father, the summer of 2019. We had two biological girls and opened our house up to foster care shortly after our second child was born. We did it thinking it would take at least six months before we got a placement, but within a month, our phone rang while we were at dinner with friends. They had a three-day-old baby girl that needed immediate placement and asked us if we could come and pick her up.

The whole process was surreal. You show up to the DHS office and a baby is there just waiting to go home to a random family after being ripped away from her biological mother. She was premature and barely over five pounds. I could hold her with one hand. We signed the paperwork and took her home with us. Mary had nursed our other two children and we had never used formula, so we had no clue what to do. Even more than that, she was born at thirty-four weeks so we were frantically googling how to care for a premature baby. We had to wake her up throughout the night to make sure she kept eating to take in enough calories to keep growing.

It was an incredibly challenging time in our life. This was our first placement. She was a brand new baby and even though we had already parented two kids, this was different. We were tasked with caring for and loving a child that we didn’t know how long would be with us and what the future of her life would look like. We didn’t know if the impact we would make would matter or last in the course of her life, or if she would ever even know who we were. We poured our hearts out and didn’t know if there would be any return of love.

A Primal Rage

It was early in the morning during this season and I was changing the diaper of my foster daughter. She was crying like babies tend to do when you are changing them. I felt an intense sense of anger come over me. Children crying can drive any normal person crazy, but this rage was deep and primal. I couldn’t understand what was going on. I had no reason to feel this level of rage about a diaper change, and I didn’t feel it with my other two daughters. This was different, and I couldn’t understand why and it scared me. Thankfully, I had been in therapy since the loss of my father and was beginning to have language and an understanding of what was happening to me behind my conscious mind. I started to understand the thinking that was happening subconsciously.

I was angry. Angry at her. Angry at God.

Why does this little girl get to get rescued from her terrible childhood and get to come live with parents that intentionally chose to open up their homes and pursue her? Why didn’t God send someone to rescue me? Was I not worthy of being rescued? Was I not worthy of pursuit?

The Pain of Emotional Revelation

Therapy had been incredibly challenging for me. When I first went in to process the loss of my father, I wasn’t emotional. The therapy model I sought was CBT because it seemed to make the most sense and be the most logical. I would cognitively talk about my life, make sense of it, and get my actions under control by cognitively controlling my emotions. At least that is what I thought. I never lost emotional composure in my CBT sessions, with the exception of one that I remember vividly.

I was processing an event that had happened at my work. A mother was in the office with her son helping him fill out an application for an apartment. I watched their interaction and felt a deep frustration about how he was talking to his mother who was trying to help him, and I couldn’t pinpoint why. As I told my therapist about this interaction and the anger I was feeling and my lack of understanding, he asked a question that broke my defenses. His question was simply, what does that mean about how you feel about your mother? I started sobbing and said, I never got help from her and I hated how disrespectful this kid was to his mother.

Now I don’t want this therapy example to come across like my father was the good guy and my mother was bad. But what I began to realize after that therapy session was that both of my parents had their own flaws. My mother, while she had never really left me, she was never capable of leading and guiding me. She was physically present, but not emotionally mature or capable of truly leading us. This wasn’t due to anything malicious on her part, but rather her own lack of guidance in her own life and the limited amount of resources she had.

Emotions Are Not a Bug

I had unlocked something I didn’t realize up until this point in my life. Under my deep anger and aggression was a deeper emotion that was trying to be expressed, but my protector had always jumped in to suppress it and protect me from feeling the full weight of it. I realized that running a human system on logic only and suppressing all emotions with the tyrant emotion of anger wasn’t actually healthy and couldn’t deal with the complexity of life. Anger was secondary and always signaling a deeper emotion under the surface.

I had been in therapy now for two years, I had actually switched into a few different forms to deal with the complexity of my trauma (EFT, EMDR and DBT), and I was really beginning to understand the need for emotional expression and sitting and tapping into what I was feeling to prevent aggressive outbursts. I was also listening to a therapy podcast that was talking about the research around how our thinking actually changes our brain structures and how our childhood trauma actually rewires our brains as children. More importantly though was the research that showed how trauma victims could do therapy and actually change their brains as adults.

I was shocked. My prior thinking was woefully inadequate. The irony is that I used to think, what would talking help? It wouldn’t change the past. Little did I realize that the past had changed me biologically, and that by processing my emotions, I could actually work to undo the biological damage that happened to my brain structures.

The Insufficiency of a Systematic Theology

I was doing so much better in relation to feeling my emotions and processing my trauma around my childhood for the first time in my life. But as I began to understand what it means to be an emotionally healthy and expressive person who is honest with what they are feeling and speaks about their emotional needs, I realized how lacking this message was in church. I had heard hundreds of sermons, read many Christian books, and been to countless men’s conferences, but I hadn’t heard about any of these things I was learning in my therapy sessions.

The thought crossed my mind and I couldn’t shake it. How could the last two years of therapy have changed how I relate to my wife, my children, and the world around me more than fifteen years in a rigid theology? How do I make sense of this?

The seismic shift had begun. The foundation of my theological wall was no longer stable.

Continue the story below…

It was a Saturday, and I was working on replacing all the interior doors in my house. Home projects were something I really looked forward to and found great joy in. Something about making a place better than it was when I moved in just brought peace to my anxious mind.

My phone rang, and I saw it was my brother calling. When a member of my family calls me, my stomach always drops and I prepare subconsciously for bad news. We are not the family that calls each other just to talk. Almost always, there is an agenda or a piece of bad information to deliver.

“Dad had a heart attack, and they are taking him to the hospital,” my brother said.

I knew this was the day my dad was going to die.

I asked my brother if he was conscious or if they had just revived him. He told me they had already been forced to revive him twice. I calmly sat down in a chair in my bedroom and prepared for what was most likely to happen, while my older brother was frantic and rushing to the hospital to see him. I tried to call the hospital to get information on his condition to see if I should also drive forty-five minutes to see him. But from what I knew about multiple heart attacks, the chances of surviving were very unlikely.

So I kept working on my doors, and cried. Not sobbing, not deeply, just a tear or two every so often. In many ways, I had been preparing for this phone call for the past few months since the last visit with my father. This was one of the hardest things about his death. Because I had been somewhat subconsciously preparing for it, I wasn’t able to truly grieve him.

My protector was already operating behind the scenes since that last visit to protect and prepare me. However, protecting me didn’t always mean doing what was best for me. Anger and suppression were some of his best methods at preventing me from feeling the gravity and weight of a situation. The month before my dad died, I was driving home and feeling a deep anger that I couldn’t put my finger on. It had begun to bleed into my relationship with Mary and my daughter. I would snap about the littlest things and struggle to understand why I was so angry. My emotions felt like such a mystery to me. So, almost a month before my dad died, I called to schedule an appointment for therapy for the first time. I was put on a waitlist and would start in a couple of months.

I was actually all alone when I got the call about my father. Mary had gone to the city with our daughter to hang out with her family. I was thankful for that because I got to process his death by myself, and I felt no pressure to look a certain way. I let Mary know, and when she asked me if I wanted her to come home, I told her no and to just have fun with her sister.

Later that night, we did our normal nightly routine. We would make a snack and watch a show after getting our daughter down. This time we were going to watch a movie. We usually took turns picking what type of movie we watched, but Mary didn’t want to watch any of the movies I was picking. I remember being very aggressive with her and reacting very irrationally. I said something to the effect of, “Are you kidding me? Let me pick the movie, my dad just died!”

She apologized and said, “Sorry, you just seemed like it wasn’t affecting you at all. I didn’t know.” In that moment, I realized how good I had become at suppressing deep emotions and pain, and I knew grieving him was going to be complicated.

We were at a different church at this point in time. We ended up being in four different churches over the course of our time in Stillwater. Without asking me, the pastor decided to come to my father’s funeral in my hometown. I didn’t want him to come. I didn’t have a great relationship with the pastor of this church, but it was a smaller church and we had other friends that we really loved who went to this church, so we stuck with it.

My father’s funeral was one of the most awkward things I’ve ever been to. My grandma had it at her church, and the pastor clearly had never met my father. She gave a mini-sermon about God and then asked the crowd if they had anything good that they wanted to say about my father, and no one stood up to say anything. Then there was a slideshow of my father that didn’t include any photos of us, just photos of the last few years. Ultimately, it felt like I was at a funeral of a random person that I didn’t know.

We got home, and my pastor decided to come over to my house to talk. I didn’t invite him. Really, I was quite annoyed he was there, but I knew he was trying to be kind and do the pastorly thing, so I didn’t tell him to not come. He ended up overstaying his welcome, inferring that my father was in hell, and talking way too long about the bad relationship he had with his own father.

I quietly raged inside. How dare he act like he knew where my father was. He didn’t know God’s mind, or the state of my father’s soul, or what my father’s inner spiritual life looked like. My father didn’t hate God, and every time we talked about spiritual things, he was always interested and willing to listen. He didn’t go to church or read the Bible, but he was never opposed to my religiousness or Jesus. In fact, he told me how much he liked Him. I remember thinking that if God is merciful and forgiving, He could forgive my father and choose not to send him to hell. He would know all of my dad’s struggles and failures, and He would know his heart.

The thing I couldn’t shake, though, was the thought of how my dad died. I had talked to my grandma at the funeral and asked her about that day. She told me that he had been staying in the room I had stayed in when I lived with her in high school. He had shouted for help, stumbled into the hallway, and collapsed. My grandma, who had been a paramedic when she was younger, immediately began CPR.

I couldn’t help but replay that event over and over in my mind. I entered my father’s mind and embodied his fear. I imagined what it would be like to be a 57-year-old man living at home with your mother, absent from your family, and then to have your heart stop beating and know something is deeply wrong. To scream out for help and to make it out of the room. To know that you are in serious trouble and to think, This might be where I die. What rushed to his mind? Regret? Anger? Fear? It all felt like too much, and I would have to stop thinking about it or it would consume me.

I remember googling how to grieve a father who was absent, and I couldn’t find any good resources or help on it. There were people who wrote about how they were glad their parent had died because they abused them, and then people who were grieving because they had lost a parent that was great. But how do you grieve a father who you deeply loved and was a good father when present, but was absent because of his own childhood demons? No one had wisdom on this.

So I felt stuck. I was glad that I already had counseling set up, but it was still almost a month away. I didn’t know how or if it would help. I was skeptical about it. I hated the idea of processing “how I felt.” I thought, How could talking about my emotions make any difference? Once again, I realize the irony of the fact that I married a therapist. But subconsciously, I felt above all of that. That is for people who are emotional, not logical. If they were smart, they’d know that emotions lie and you can’t trust them. If they knew the truth about God that I did, that was all they needed. They didn’t need to process their feelings; they needed to pledge allegiance to the truth of the Gospel. That is where real power for change comes from.

But here I was, angry and unable to grieve the loss of my father. I had the truth, but I wasn’t feeling better, and I wasn’t able to control my anger.

And even worse, a realization began to surface. I had lost a deeply held subconscious belief that I had carried since the day I hugged my father at the gas station after church camp all those years ago. Maybe this story and this message of Jesus would be powerful enough to change my father. Maybe if he could understand it, he could change his life, like I did, and be the present and loving father that I knew he could be. Maybe with this message, I would finally have my earthly father.

But what was painfully clear to me, even more than his physical death, was the death of the hope of his reconciliation.

Continue the story below…

It is late and I am cradling my firstborn child in my arms. In order to get her to sleep, most nights she would require us to rock her continuously until her eyes finally closed. As she lay there in my arms, the intensity of my love for her was overwhelming. I cared about this little girl with an intensity I had never experienced before. I was deeply invested in the flourishing of her life and the thought of, I would do anything to protect her and ensure she did not get harmed, crossed my mind.

I remember that moment so vividly because even as I type these words, I tear up. That thought still brings me an immense amount of pain today. Because even though my love for her is pure and untainted, it simultaneously highlights the insufficiencies of my own father’s love, and even more than that, God as a father over me.

The thought that crashed into my mind was a logic loop I could not solve, How could I love my little girl and be willing to do anything to protect her, and God love me with that same fatherly love yet allow the terrible things to happen to me that I would never allow to happen to my daughter if I had the power to stop them?

That episode of deep pain began showing up more and more frequently in me. While things kept getting better for me in many ways, a high paying job with a meaningful mission, a new house to be proud of in the country club, and our first daughter, my deep seated trauma began to surface in ways I did not see coming. My daughter’s birth caused me to confront the realities of my lack of fatherly love in a visceral way that I had been able to suppress throughout most of my adult life.

A Lowering of The Wall

By the end of my senior year I had realized that I wanted to pursue a PhD in theology. Nothing mattered as much as knowing the truth of the Gospel and telling others about it, so it made perfect sense that I would pursue a religious career instead of a secular one.

However, my wife needed to finish her master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy, so we decided that we would stay in Stillwater until she finished her schooling before we would move to Louisville, Kentucky for me to complete my master’s degree at Southern Seminary, the flagship Baptist college. In the meantime, I would start my master’s online while she was finishing her degree, so I enrolled in my first class, early church history.

I was excited about starting school, and at the time, I was the store manager at a local mattress store. I loved that job because in between customers, the environment allowed me to do my classwork during work. I was really excited to begin this class because this timeframe from the Apostles to the Reformation was something I knew almost nothing about, which ironically made up the majority of Christian history.

What I began to realize from this class was how much the early church struggled to make sense of Jesus. There was not a fully formed consensus on who he was, how he related to God, and even how the church should be structured.

Logically, you would think that this would have destabilized me based on my need for certainty. But what it did was actually allow me to feel better about uncertainty and the messiness of life. It was still the same basic software, but it was allowing for God to be trusted to straighten out the mess of life and people to get us to the perfect code. The implicit thought I had was if God could work through the mess of these early church fathers, he could handle the messiness of life.

A New Mission

While in the middle of my semester of online seminary, I got an offer to come and work for a Christian Real Estate Company that had built a property in Stillwater. The owner of the company called me on the phone of the mattress store to offer me a job. He started out by pitching the role and asked me if I had any interest. I told him I appreciated the offer but I enjoyed my current job, was in seminary, and planned to move in a couple of years.

He did not take no for an answer and proceeded to tell me about the Christian mission of the company and the pay. He told me that they had the goal of eventually giving away 90% of their profits to spreading the message of Christianity and only keeping 10% of the profits to pay for operations. He also said that he would give a significant amount of money to my home church each year as well. I jokingly told him he should have led with that and I would consider his offer. I joined the company a week later.

By the end of my first and only seminary class, my thoughts on the rigidity of theology had begun to soften. It is not that I did not think a literalist interpretation was necessary any longer, it is just that I had moved the goalposts. In many ways, thanks to my emotionally healthy wife, I started to see the unhealthiness of how an incredibly tall brick theological wall was isolating and too heavy.

I thought I could remove the top few layers of the wall. The bottom layers, the orthodox beliefs of the scripture, still felt essential because they ultimately kept the uncertainty of life and the fear of death at bay. But with this new found revelation and this new job, I thought maybe this career could be how I make an impact in the world for Jesus. So I poured my heart and soul into growing this company.

Little did I realize that while this was definitely an improved, updated software to my previous extremely rigid literalist framework, it still contained the same core root issues that would ultimately lead to a later collapse.

A Last Visit

While I was learning how to be a protective father to my daughter, my own father was still pretty absent in my life. While he had quit doing meth, he had become a full on alcoholic that was drunk most days. He had only visited me one time since I moved to Stillwater, which was for my daughter’s first birthday.

I had heard from my mom that he had an incident of blacking out while driving and had lost his license. From my background in nutrition, I knew about the symptoms of liver failure, and the last time I had seen my father he had been showing most of the signs. Therefore, after I heard about this incident, I decided that I needed to see him again because I did not know how much time he had left.

I called him and asked him if I could come and pick him up so he could stay the night with us. He agreed to it and we set a date.

When I showed up to pick him up, he had clearly been drinking and I could smell the alcohol on his breath. However, he was very pleasant, kind, and playful, the fun cool dad that I always loved. His visit to our house was mostly uneventful. He stayed the night and we went out for lunch the following day before I drove him back home.

Our conversations were mostly shallow and I could tell his mental state was declining rapidly. When I got to his house, I hugged him a powerful long hug. No one hugged me as powerfully as he did and I loved it.

I drove home from dropping him off reflecting on how bad he looked and how sad I felt about his lack of care for himself. When I got home to decompress with Mary, I told her with tears in my eyes, I think that will most likely be the last time I see my father alive.

I hated that I was right.


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I was twenty-two years old, sitting in the sanctuary on a Sunday morning just weeks away from starting my senior year of college. Beside me sat my emotionally intelligent wife, a woman planning a career as a marriage and family therapist. Sunday was my favorite day of the week. Sitting in those pews felt like being insulated inside an impenetrable fortress. My defensive strategy was simple, because any psychological or existential issue I encountered could be brought to my pastor, whose material I had binged that summer, and he would apply his flawless interpretation to solve it.

For weeks, I had been deeply wrestling with the theological concepts of predestination and Calvinism. These ideas were sweeping through campus ministries via the Acts 29 movement and were also the exact position of my mentor, whom I met with weekly. I was struggling to reconcile their intense logical arguments with my pastor’s anti-Calvinist positions. On this particular week, I brought my questions to him, pressing him with the specific scriptures and frameworks the opposing theologians were utilizing.

For the first time since I had met him, I watched him struggle to explain away an anomaly and address it adequately. As I pushed for consistency, his composure completely unraveled. He grew increasingly frustrated until he finally snapped, saying, “Listen, they do not understand, and they are wrong!”

I felt utterly shell-shocked, belittled, and exposed. He treated me like a naughty child simply for pointing out a logical flaw in his system. As I walked back to my seat, a terrifying realization began to settle in my chest: maybe this man did not have all the answers. Maybe this system couldn’t handle every critique. Maybe the fortress was not as safe as I had thought.

The Threat of Intimacy

Mary and I met during my sophomore year through Campus Crusade. She was the absolute opposite of me in almost every measurable way. She had been brought up in a loving, stable household by two present, Christian parents and was an introvert. Her baseline was defined by warmth, goodness, and a sense of wholeness and control.

Honestly, looking back now, I do not know how she decided to enter into a relationship with the trainwreck that was my life. In many ways publicly, I was highly charismatic and playful, effortlessly projecting an image of a capable, fun loving person to the people at church. But underneath that performance, I was struggling deeply with the pressures of college and was frequently depressed.

Because I had historically used dating as a volatile, horizontal support system, I had resolved that the next girl I dated would be the woman I married. But Mary was emotionally controlled, composed, and incredibly difficult to read. Her emotional stability terrified me.

Our dating period did not last long because we both entered it with the explicit intention of marriage. Within four months of our first official date, Mary casually mentioned that she would be open to getting married while still in college. I was shocked and incredibly excited. I purchased an engagement ring by the end of that summer.

But before I could give it to her, my system initiated a massive, automated self sabotage routine.

Systemic Sabotage

Even though I loved Mary, the terrifying prospect of true intimacy triggered my deepest insecurities. During a road trip to a wedding, I became completely distant and aloof, refusing to speak to her for days. My system was actively trying to destroy the goodness she was offering because it did not know how to receive it. The sabotage routine escalated until I finally broke up with her the week of my twenty first birthday.

Immediately following the breakup, my system fully destabilized. For the first time since converting at fifteen, I sought out the old party crowd and drank heavily to numb the emotional pain.

I confessed the relapse to my weekly campus mentor, desperately wanting comfort and reassurance. Instead, I was met with shaming and disapproval. He told me how disappointed he was in me and required that I step down from my leadership positions.

I felt utterly devastated, abandoned, and punished. The very spiritual framework I had downloaded to protect my psyche had turned on me, using my failure as a weapon. In response, I continued to drink in secret, sinking further into isolation.

The Pseudo Parent

The downward spiral stopped a few weeks later when I saw Mary on campus. She looked happy, vibrant, and at peace with her friends, while inside, I was a complete wreck. That night, I had a profound epiphany, I was throwing away a loving, restorative relationship simply because I did not know how to accept that someone could love me for who I actually was.

I resolved to fix what I had broken, but I could not do it alone. Mary’s mother had always been incredibly kind to me. After the breakup, she had left me a compassionate voicemail checking in on my well being, completely unaware that I was drunk when she called.

I decided to call her. Rather than chastising me, she offered immense wisdom. She held me accountable and told me to take ownership of the pain I had caused, but she did it with profound sympathy and encouragement. In that moment, Mary’s mother stepped into a massive systemic deficit in my life, simultaneously playing the role of a loving pseudo mother and a restorative pseudo father. It was the first time an authority figure had called me to right action without using shame as a mechanism of control.

Strengthened by Mary’s mother support of me, I apologized to Mary. We reconciled within two weeks, and we were engaged two months later.

The Wise Warning

By the time we had been married for a year, Mary and her family had started to become a literal bulwark against the residual chaos of my internal instability. Because Mary was so emotionally resilient, she was able to shoulder the weight of my ongoing insecurities and the intense enmeshment my trauma had created in our relationship.

Yet, I still demanded absolute theological certainty. Mary was the first to notice that my dependency on our pastor and his theology was profoundly unhealthy. She gently warned me about his dogmatic, unyielding control, but I completely blocked her out. Emotions were volatile, deceitful, and entirely untrustworthy. Logic was the only reliable currency. I believed that emotions were something to be mastered and suppressed, and that absolute doctrinal certainty was the only thing keeping the chaos of the world at bay.

The First Brick Falls

Which brings us back to that Sunday morning in the sanctuary.

When I sat back down in my pew after being chastised by my pastor, the damage to my wall had been done. I needed this rigid, literalist theological interpretation to protect my relationship with Jesus, the ultimate perceived source of my safety. I needed this pastor to be an infallible, unshakeable fortress to buttress the theological interpretation. But here I was, doing everything right, and the anchor to my safety was lashing out at me for trying to understand threats to our theological system.

It would take fifteen more years and several massive life struggles and earthquakes to completely bring the building down, but that Sunday morning was the precise moment the foundation began to weaken.


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It was my freshman year of college, and I can still remember how dysregulated my body felt leaving my English Composition class. Every week, my professor, who was clearly highly intelligent, would present a new worldview that I had never heard before in my life. We covered a massive spectrum of topics in that short semester, ranging from animal rights and gun control to genetically modified crops. I had no idea these issues were being argued about at such a viscous level around the country and the world. I felt incredibly small and ignorant. I had lived in a small town bubble most of my life.

My professor was also quite smug about the Bible. He would bring up biblical passages, but never in a way that outright dismissed them as false. Instead, he dropped just enough hints so you knew he believed they were not literally true. I felt woefully unprepared to defend my faith or my thinking against his intellect.

Yet, I honestly believed he was one of the brightest professors I had during my entire time at Oklahoma State. I learned so much from him about the structure of arguments, specifically how to analyze their strength based on three core metrics Pathos (the emotional appeal), Logos (the logical appeal), and Ethos (the ethical appeal). That class has paid dividends in my life in ways I could not have dreamed of as an eighteen year old.

However, I could not shake the desperate need to impress him and win him over. If I could not prove Christianity was true to him, I resolved to at least be the best student in his class and absorb everything he had to teach. And that is exactly what I did. This theme of seeking affirmation through achievement to prove my internal value would carry forward throughout the rest of my adult life.

The Hope of a Blank Slate

For the previous two years, I had dived headfirst into Christianity, going on mission trips and being deeply involved in Bible studies and my local church. Yet, even within the church community in my hometown, I felt a persistent angst. I was the only child who attended that small Baptist church without a his family to accompany him. I also felt the crushing weight of the weekly altar calls. Every Sunday, I would regularly head down to the front of the sanctuary to confess my sins, while no one else in the building seemed to feel the need to repent. I had started to feel a profound disconnect between the church environment and the Jesus I read about in the scriptures, a person who actively interacted with those society had shunned. Everyone at my church seemed so good at not sinning, and I couldn’t understand why I was so bad at it.

Consequently, I attached a massive amount of hope to college. I was excited to be on my own for the first time in my life, no longer relying on a friend or a relative for a place to sleep. I was excited to study and learn at a level I had not been able to access back home. But most of all, I was excited about the potential for deeper Christian friendships, a community that would allow me to exist without feeling so much shame around my past, my family, and my upbringing. College offered a blank slate, and the opportunities felt endless.

Competing Role Models

That fall, I joined an on campus Christian ministry as well as a new church. This new group of friends was diverse, and the non denominational composition of believers was something I appreciated, even as it challenged my sense of stability.

I also found an older male mentor who agreed to meet with me weekly to talk about life and the Bible. This was the first time in my life I had an older male figure regularly investing time in me, and it felt incredibly life giving. I was the only person in my immediate family to go to college, and during my entire time there, my family never once visited me. Because of that profound isolation, relationships like this were essential to my sense of self.

However, this leader operated under a Calvinist worldview, and that view of God made me uncomfortable. I felt a constant, underlying pressure to adhere to his exact brand of the faith, fearing that if I did not, I would lose his approval. This relationship would soon be challenged and usurped by a new male role model, the pastor of my new church, a vicious pattern that would continue throughout most of my early twenties and into my early thirties.

The Weight of Opposition

By the end of my first year of college, I felt like I had taken a severe intellectual and emotional beating. It felt as though every single class was designed to challenge my worldview and dismantle my faith.

Simultaneously, many of my friends were reading Rob Bell, so I decided to get his book to see what the hype was about. I began with Velvet Elvis. I do not remember much from that text besides a singular section where he contrasted theology as either a brick wall or a trampoline. Bell explained that many people had built their faith like a brick wall. Consequently, if you were to pull out certain theological bricks, such as the virgin birth or a literal interpretation of Jonah, the entire wall would come crumbling down. Instead, he argued that theology should function like a trampoline, where individual doctrines are merely springs. You could remove several springs, and the system would still maintain its integrity without collapsing

I remember feeling incredibly angry, patronized, and simultaneously terrified. If theology was not a brick wall, it could not protect me from the world. I did not want a trampoline. I needed an impenetrable fortress.

When a friend had slowed me down long enough to truly ask me if I was doing okay, I paused and then began crying. I felt I needed to confess how deeply I had begun to doubt the faith. I did not know if I would be able to stay connected to Jesus, someone who I felt had allowed me to feel a form of deeply anchoring emotional stability. Losing that connection, I feared, would deeply unravel my psyche.

Podcasting Before It Was Cool

That summer after my freshman year, I went on a Christian mission trip to Branson, Missouri. Trust me, the irony of that sentence is not lost on me. The trip was a two month leadership camp where about thirty college students stayed in a hotel and got local jobs around town, with the explicit mission of sharing the Gospel with people in our workplaces. The secondary goals were to deepen our faith, make a little money, and connect with other believers.

But I had an ulterior motive for going. The reality was that I no longer had a home to return to and I didn’t want to stay in my hometown any longer. My mother did not have her own place, and my father had recently been arrested for drunk driving and drug possession. There was no physical structure waiting for me in my hometown. So, while I loved the spiritual mission of the trip, what I actually needed was a place to belong.

Overall, the summer was a stabilizing experience. I enjoyed the leaders, one of whom was the campus mentor I mentioned earlier, but the most significant development that summer was my narrowing of my Christian theology.

Ironically, many churches were way ahead of the curve in terms of podcasting. My home church had been recording all of our pastor’s sermons and hosting an extensive digital archive of his older series. Throughout the summer, I began binge listening to his catalog. This was the first time I was able to fully digest a single person’s theological architecture, and I loved every minute of it.

This pastor possessed an absolutely certain view on the correct way to interpret the scriptures, and to me, that understanding equated to emotional safety. His explicit position was that Christianity was literally true, that the Bible was completely inerrant, and that his specific model made perfect sense to me: finding the original author’s intended meaning using the historical, grammatical, and literary (HGL) method. How could you interpret the documents any other way? Thus, this method would produce the most accurate interpretation of reality. He also taught that any other interpretations were false, and even worse, they were actively leading people away from the truth.

As I binged his sermons, I listened to him connect the dots across the scriptures with such certainty. Each sermon built logically off the last, presenting a beautifully coherent theme. Furthermore, the difficult passages I had deeply struggled with during my freshman year suddenly became clear; he provided a foolproof framework for resolving any problem text.

I remember by the end of the summer feeling that as long as I have the correct interpretation, I would be safe.

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It was very late when my brother shook me awake. I was staying at a friend’s house, and the fact that my brother was the one waking me up in the middle of the night was an immediate sign of danger. Something terrible had happened.

What makes it stranger is that the night before at work, a weird feeling had settled deep in my stomach. I had a sudden, overwhelming instinct that I shouldn’t leave any relationship unresolved because I didn’t know what was coming next. My mind went straight to my father.

Since returning from church camp, I had experienced a powerful, unspoken urge to reconcile with him. I had run into him at a gas station and simply walked up and hugged him with everything I had. I didn’t say much besides, “I love you.” To him, this was completely abrupt. Our relationship had been deeply strained before I left, and the gesture caught him entirely by surprise, though he welcomed it and hugged me back tightly.

Because I had years of experience trusting my internal warning systems, I didn’t wait until my shift was over. I called him from work to set up a time to hang out. The call went well, and we planned to see each other soon.

As I shook off the fog of sleep and tried to orient myself, my first thought was that something had happened to my dad. Instead, my brother explained that my best friend’s brother had been in an accident. He was riding his motorcycle on the highway and crashed less than a mile from town. He died from the crash. I remember feeling dizzy and needing to sit down. I was simultaneously sick with horror for my friend and flooded with relief that it wasn’t my father.

The Shattered Baseline

I found myself internally wrestling with the collapse of a childhood illusion. I used to think young people didn’t die. Death was something that happened to the elderly or to victims of violent crime, not to your peers. This was now the second friend I had lost in less than a year. This time, the loss felt viscous and entirely too close. My belief in my own safety was crumbling. If they could die so easily, I was totally exposed. The thought circled my mind on a relentless loop. Could this faith I was clinging to actually protect me? Was I right to trust it?

The Interrogation

That question sparked a deep dive into the Bible and theology. For the first time since praying that prayer two years prior, I opened the gospels. I was completely stunned by the wisdom of Jesus. The concepts of enemy love and radical care for the disenfranchised were entirely foreign to me. I distinctly remember thinking, this is who I prayed to save me? I couldn’t believe the depth of a religion I had barely scratched the surface of at camp. Yet, my skepticism remained fierce. I knew better than to trust something just because it felt comforting.

If I was going to allow this framework to provide safety in a world that suddenly felt incredibly destructive, I had to ensure it was intellectually sound. I began interrogating the faith.

My youth pastor happened to double as my high school history teacher. Every day at the end of class, I used that window to pick his brain about this Jesus character. I hammered him with questions about the reliability of the texts and how I could know any of it was legitimate. He gave me his full attention and started feeding me books, which I completely devoured. I was starving for an intellectual scaffolding that would prove this wasn’t just wishful thinking, but a foolproof understanding of reality.

The definitive shift occurred when I asked him a question that altered everything for me. I told him, “If I could just know that Jesus was a real, historical person who actually walked the earth, I would believe everything else about him.” Growing up in an isolated small town with parents who never discussed history, politics, or religion, I was completely blind to how the wider world functioned. My teacher looked at me calmly and said, “Trevor, historical scholars are almost universally convinced that a man named Jesus lived on earth.”

The realization shocked me, and then immediately anchored me. From that moment, I was all in. I read the Bible daily, consumed Christian apologists, and began attending church and youth group regularly.

This framework was entirely different from my teenage peace treaty with a God who threatened me with death for stepping out of line. This was a warm invitation into a personal refuge. The person of Jesus wasn’t a detached deity in the sky who was indifferent to my environment. He was a historical man who understood human suffering because he had entered directly into it. He was everything I was missing in my relationship with my father. He was the living embodiment of existential kangaroo care, and even more than that, he had conquered the greatest threat, death itself.


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In chaos theory, “The Butterfly Effect” describes how tiny, microscopic changes in the initial conditions of a complex system can cascade into completely unpredictable and catastrophic outcomes. The classic example is a butterfly flapping its wings in Brazil and setting off a tornado weeks later in Texas.

The irony of this concept, and its sheer structural weight, wouldn’t hit me with a double reality until my adulthood as I reflected on the significance of the title of the movie and the theory it was based off of and how this situation was an actual perfect representation of the concept.

The Cold Reception

I was on a profound spiritual high when I came home from church camp, convinced I possessed a life-saving knowledge that my family desperately needed. I couldn’t wait to tell my mom about Jesus, fully expecting her to see the beauty of what Christianity was offering. Apparently, my mother already knew about Jesus and Christianity. Even worse, she wanted nothing to do with it and actively looked down on it. My new existential rescue boat was immediately met with cold cynicism.

The Shifting Geometry of Isolation

Simultaneously, the geometry of my daily life had radically changed. I had left my hometown to escape the deep depression of living in a house where non-stop drug parties occurred. Now, I had moved from a small town of 2,000 people into the OKC metro area to attend a massive 6A high school. The isolation was suffocating. I was living with my mom at my aunt’s house, sharing a bedroom with her, and trying to emotionally manage all of these sudden pressures. For about four months, I felt entirely alone.

The faith had given me a quiet backstop existentially, but honestly, I still didn’t understand much theologically. I couldn’t have explained the complexities of the trinity or how salvation worked mechanically. I just knew I had confessed myself to be a sinner and asked for forgiveness. I didn’t go to church, read the Bible, or pray. In reality, I had simply signed a peace agreement with the God who I thought would kill me if I smoked pot again.

My only tangible moral rule was that I stopped cursing. I still listened to lyrically explicit music, but I would strictly silent-mouth the curse words when singing along. That arbitrary line in the sand was my security deposit on the contract.

Testing the Existential Boundaries

Eventually, the isolation broke. I made friends with two guys at school who were popular, funny, and cool. They weren’t Christians and wanted nothing to do with Jesus, but they were highly amused by my refusal to curse. To them, it was a challenge. They made it their unified mission to break my streak.

I held off for many months before the system failed and they finally broke me.

The night they got me to curse for the first time, it opened the floodgates to more deviant behavior. It felt terrifyingly identical to the night on my fifteenth birthday when my family convinced me that the lake fire was a mere coincidence and not divine providence. I felt torn between the safety of my vertical peace agreement with God and this newly forming horizontal hierarchy that I needed to support me through school. Once again, I caved to keep the tangible human relationships. We proceeded to do various things that night that would have horrified my youth pastor and the friends at camp.

Collapse in the Dark

The systemic debt for that choice came due later that night in a dark movie theater.

My friends wanted to sneak into a rated “R” movie. We bought tickets to a PG-13 film, dodged the ushers, and slipped into the theater showing The Butterfly Effect. Because the theater was packed, we couldn’t find seats together. We had to separate throughout the room and find open seats fast before we got caught by the ushers. In a rush, I found a seat entirely by myself.

Suddenly isolated in the dark, my heart started pounding and the full weight of my choices hit me like a physical blow. I felt incredible guilt for giving up on my conviction about cursing, I felt like my church crowd would look down on me, and most of all, I felt like God was deeply disappointed in me. I had violated the treaty.

As I watched this violent thriller play out on the screen, a horrific, familiar sensation crept into my chest. It was the exact same feeling I had on the couch when I smoked the laced pot. My heart raced to toxic thresholds, my throat constricted, and I couldn’t breathe. The room began to spin.

Panic seized me. I thought this agonizing physical breakdown was a chemical reaction caused strictly by laced drugs.

What was happening to me? Why was my system collapsing without the laced weed? Was this my new pattern in life going forward? Anytime I would violate my conscience, God would cause me to enter into this state?

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In neonatal medicine, “Kangaroo Care” refers to the practice of placing a premature infant skin-to-skin against a parent’s chest. Medical science discovered that a newborn’s central nervous system cannot self-regulate on its own. Without that physical touch, a baby’s cortisol levels spike to toxic thresholds, its heart rate destabilizes, and it can literally waste away and die. The skin-to-skin contact sends an unspoken biological message to the infant’s nervous system: “You are safe.”

I remember when I first learned this last year, I began weeping. It was such a profound truth that I understood it at my core. I couldn’t help but weep for the reality of it, and for the depth of sadness I felt for the children who historically died as a result of “Failure to Thrive” (marasmus), which is, at its root, a total lack of central nervous system regulation that is biologically necessary for survival.

But what happens when that foundational “holding” is completely absent as a child enters their preschool years?

The central nervous system perceives the universe as a permanent, existential threat, forcing the child’s ego to develop in a maladaptive way. It doesn’t develop as a healthy vehicle for exploring the world. Instead, it develops as a rigid, hyper-vigilant survival suit designed to keep the child from psychological and physical death.

In public health, this kind of environmental trauma is measured using the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) score, a 10-point scale tracking categories of exposure to abuse, neglect, and household dysfunction.

I am a 10 out of 10.

To understand the dynamics that lead to a human being achieving a 10 rating on the ACE scale, you have to look at the broken code running inside the people who created me.

My Father’s Debt

My father grew up as the fourth of five children, born to parents who were themselves the product of a shotgun wedding. His sense of worth was forged in a profound deficit. He grew up starving to feel loved, seen, and appreciated by his own father. By the time he was 15 years old, he was completely desperate for the validation he never received at home.

When a primary, father-to-son bond breaks, a vulnerable human being will pursue a horizontal relationships to survive. My father sought out a peer group of older friends he looked up to, desperate to feel cared for by an older male presence. To feel their love and affiliation, he did things a normally healthy child wouldn’t do. He allowed a friend to shoot him up intravenously with methamphetamine at 15, something that would have ripple effects throughout his entire adult life and our family’s life.

The drug was not just a chemical vice. It was a counterfeit, maladaptive substitute for the biological warmth and validation that he had been starved of, and it would hinder his ability to pursue healthy relationships for the rest of his life.

My Mother’s Debt

My mother’s trauma cut directly into the metaphysical core of existence. She grew up with a profound lack of connection with her own mother. She has shared with me foundational memories of her mother saying to her in anger, “I wish you were never born.”

If Kangaroo Care is the ultimate affirmation of Being, then my grandmother’s words were akin to a psychological execution. It was the absolute withdrawal of all safety. To survive a maternal presence that actively wishes you out of existence, my mother had to also look horizontally to find consolation, causing her emotional development to become deeply maladaptive.

When an internal world is that depleted, a permanent state of emergency sets in. Her subsequent emotional immaturity and co-dependent relationship with my father inevitably led to her also abusing drugs and staying with him way longer than she should have.

The Intergenerational Landslide

These two deeply wounded, egos naturally bled into their parenting and shaped the chaotic childhood environment I inherited.

My father was trapped in severe, destructive, terrifying rage fits during his comedowns from meth-induced highs. My mother, entirely unable to regulate her own internal states, projected her emotional needs directly onto her children. As a young boy, internalizing a parent’s unstable psychological weight and being in the middle of their emotional warzone was a crushing, impossible burden.

My nervous system could not tolerate the dysregulation. To survive, at just 12 years old, I began staying overnight regularly for extended periods of time, bouncing between friends’ houses and self-medicating with drinking and partying. I was already seeking to artificially quiet my own hyper-vigilance.

The Warden Had Enough

From 12 to 15, I stopped smoking pot for fear God would finish the job. However, I continued drinking and partying, because in my mind, the line was pot. It wasn’t until the day of my 15th birthday that I would smoke pot again.

I was in the living room with my cousin, siblings, and my parents at my dad’s house. They were all smoking pot and were encouraging me to do it as well. I felt very reluctant because of the fear that God would kill me. I even shared what had happened to me, and most of my family laughed about it, saying it was just a coincidence and that wasn’t God. So I caved into the peer pressure to feel connected to them. I felt so conflicted, I wanted their approval and connection, and simultaneously I was terrified about what would happen with God. I caved and smoked with them, all the while terrified.

The next day, I stayed home from school and just stayed in my bed all day. I thought if I didn’t leave the house, nothing bad could happen to me and I’d be safe from God. I know all of this sounds crazy, but I literally thought God would harm me if I left the house. After the next day had passed and no harm had come to me, I thought, “Maybe my family was right. Maybe it was a coincidence.” Thus began a phase of frequent pot smoking. I’d smoke on the weekends and even leave school during our lunch break to get high with my friends and finish the school day high. Pot really numbed me and allowed me to decompress the hyper-vigilance. However, this honeymoon period of pot smoking and relief would not last.

One night that summer, I was sitting on the couch, high on pot that, unbeknownst to me, had been laced with an unknown hallucinogen that my cousin had gotten from my father’s own stash. I literally felt like I was going to die and began panicking. God had come to finish what he warned me of as a child at the lake.

Little did I know I was having a panic attack, an experience that would become a significant driver of my relationship with God over the next few years. In that moment of absolute terror, I began bargaining with God not to kill me, and if he did, to at least forgive me so that I didn’t end up in hell.

I didn’t die. I woke up the next day, buried the terror, and told no one.

A Bright Light Dawns

It wasn’t long before that event caught up to me and I entered into a severe depression. I was living with a friend at the time, and my mom had moved to another city. I called my mom crying and asked her to come pick me up. I told her that I was worried about what was happening to me, that I might have damaged my brain with the drug use, and that I couldn’t feel happiness. My central nervous system regulation had begun to fully fracture and I couldn’t see a way forward. After I moved away, a friend from my old school invited me to church camp so I could see everyone one last time before the summer ended and I started at my new school. For the first time in my life, even though I’d heard this offer many times before, I was truly primed to pay attention to the offer of Christianity.

On the first night of the camp’s week-long stay, I heard the evangelical message of Jesus and the need to confess my sins and how God would forgive me, have a relationship with me, and I’d live with him forever in heaven. My brain connected the dots immediately and it was like a light bulb lit up. The “sin” was my family’s chaos, the drugs, the fighting, and all variations of evil. The “salvation” was not dying on that couch that night and safety from the ongoing perceived threat of God’s destruction. Christianity was offering me forgiveness, connection, and a safe place. Everything my central nervous system was screaming for.

Under the guidance of the youth pastor, I repeated the prayer he led me in so that God would forgive me, and I accepted Jesus as my savior. I felt an immediate peace for the first time in a very long time.

Looking back, I realize I had locked onto the faith as a form of metaphysical Kangaroo Care.

And honestly, it was amazing at camp the rest of the week. I felt close to the people around me. No one was screaming at each other, acting hateful, doing drugs, or being threatening in any way. Everything about this camp and this faith felt better, the exact opposite of what my childhood had been these last 6 years. It was like a veil had been removed from my eyes, and I saw for the first time the brokenness of my family’s way of living and the beauty of what life could be if I chose to follow the commandments of God.

Upon leaving camp, I couldn’t wait to get home to tell my mom about Jesus. I felt as though I possessed knowledge that my family didn’t have, and once they heard about my experience and what Christianity was offering, there would be no way they’d deny it or not want to be a Christian.

Unfortunately, I was sadly mistaken.

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We were out at the lake sitting inside a truck and at twelve years old I was about to smoke pot for the very first time. It was a choice that felt laced with hypocrisy because I had spent my entire childhood hating drugs. I had watched drugs dismantle the emotional health of my family, and I knew the wreckage they caused. But the unmediated chaos of my home environment had become a full-on destructive storm in my life. My father’s meth-induced rage fits during his comedowns and my mother’s crushing emotional issues and inability to protect us and herself had turned our house into a psychological war zone. My nervous system was completely overloaded.

I sought shelter in a peer group that encouraged me to drink and get high for the first time with them. It wasn’t about the substances. It was about the desperate need for a tribe. It was an entry into a horizontal hierarchy because the primary vertical hierarchy of my family had utterly collapsed.

I remember looking out the truck window at the lake. I was consumed by a profound burning anger at God. My life was a wreck and I felt I had been given no choice but to plunge directly into the very chaos I had detested for so long. This was my act of rebellion and frustration. After we smoked I remember explicitly telling God I didn’t believe in Him anymore and that I wasn’t going to waste time thinking about Him any longer.

Then shortly after, I stepped out of the truck to pee.

While I was outside, one of my friends decided he was hungry and tried to restart the campfire to cook some food. He poured gasoline into a pop can and attempted to pour it onto the hot coals so that the fire would start back up. The gasoline caught on fire instantly, travelling up the stream and turning the can into a fireball in his hand. In a panic, he threw the can into the air.

It came down and soaked my shirt on fire.

The burning gasoline soaked my shoulder and chest, lighting my clothes instantly. My friend screamed, “Stop, drop, and roll!” quite amazingly. I hit the ground and tried, but the fire was on my shoulder and it wasn’t going out. I scrambled back up and ripped the shirt off. It was a button-up nylon shirt and the synthetic fabric had melted to my skin. By the time the flames were out I ended up getting second- and third-degree burns all over my arm and shoulder.

I didn’t see a reckless accident with a gas can. My twelve-year-old brain saw the immediate wrathful strike from God. I had broken the rules, I had renounced His existence, and He had responded by sending a fire to show me what He could do. I internalized this as His warning against me and believed that He would kill me if I continued down this path, and even further, what would be waiting for me in Hell. Even though my parents weren’t religious and we didn’t go to church, I had heard enough about the ideas of Heaven and Hell from Hollywood and friends to know that bad people get what they deserve and good people go to heaven. I and my family were on the side of bad people getting what they deserve.

But the warning didn’t stop at the lake. The true terror of the contract was solidified in the doctor’s office during a procedure called surgical debridement.

When a second and third-degree burn heals, the damaged skin creates a stiff leathery layer of dead tissue. If left alone it can shrink and tighten severely as it heals and limit movement, while also trapping infection. To prevent this, the doctor uses a specialized surgical blade or an instrument called a dermatome to carefully scrape and shave away the burned, dead layers of skin.

Thankfully medicine has changed since I was twelve. But for me, this was done with absolutely no numbing medicine. This was the most painful experience of my life, even worse than the initial burn itself. It was a doctor systematically running a razor blade over exposed nerve endings. This pain would continue as phantom scrapes for hours after they had cut the dead skin away.

I really believed that the scraping was the continued punishment driving home the warning from God that said, “I will kill you and I can do it very painfully,” and I was terrified.

I had to do several rounds of the scraping. While my new skin began to grow back, a new, completely shattered internal architecture had grown in as well. I had signed a terrifying cosmic contract based on pure survival dread and the threat from God. I was a twelve-year-old boy experiencing hell in my childhood and believed that when I acted out from this chaos, I would be punished by a cosmic warden who used literal fire to keep me in line.

I kept this idea to myself, acknowledged the contract, and kept moving on with my life. I believed if I smoked pot again, the bill was going to come due, and God would finish what He started. So for the next three years, I wouldn’t touch pot. However, the chaos in my life with my family just got worse and I ended up not truly living with my parents full time shortly after that, bouncing around from house to house of friends constantly. The chaos of this emotional instability would catch back up to me, and I found myself testing just how seriously the terms of that threat would be enforced.

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Our bodies carry a biological ledger of the environments we survive. In a predictable home, a child’s central nervous system rests at a stable, calm baseline. But when the initial conditions of a childhood are defined by addiction and volatility, the nervous system adapts by running hot. It calibrates itself to a state of constant, hyper-vigilant anticipation just to stay safe. In a house where the adults are the primary source of unpredictable danger, the central nervous system is forced to handle a massive, unmediated allostatic load. By the time I was a young boy, the machinery of my body was already being stretched to its limit.

The Signs

The scenario had already played out many times before.

When I was 9 years old, my mother began asking my father about something relating to money. At this point in my life, my central nervous system had become so in tuned with the micro nuances of my parents that I could tell within a few seconds if a serious fight was about to break out between them. My father’s tone, his facial expression, and his body movements were so easy for me to read. This would turn into one of the fights that would most likely end with the cops being called or someone hurt. Once the fight got going, my dad’s anger always became destructive.

A Smooth Operator

My childhood from the beginning wasn’t all bad. My earliest memories of my life, ages 3-6 were mostly happy memories. My dad was a true Okie. He worked in the oilfield his whole adult life and was a large, muscular man. He wore his hair long, a clear reflection of the hippie influences and rock music of his youth, and had terrible skin and teeth due to all the years of meth use. But as a young child, I didn’t care about any of that. My dad was cool. I looked up to him and wanted his approval and attention. He loved classic rock, and I remember him cranking the volume all the way up in the car whenever AC/DC or Pink Floyd came on, and sometimes he would even let me sit in his lap and “drive.” He took us fishing, taught me how to ride a bike, how to shoot a gun, and how to handle an overcorrecting car in the rain. Early on, my dad was someone I saw as very capable and safe. When he got home from work, I loved to lay on top of him on the couch, smelling his Old Spice deodorant as we watched the Discovery Channel and nature documentaries together. I was captivated by his world, and the things he liked, I liked. Classic rock, nature documentaries, and his deodorant are all things I still like to this day. My love for him was innate, and it was earned by his playful demeanor as well.

I had nothing but admiration for my father up through roughly age 7. It was about 2nd grade that a deep confliction began to grow in me. While I deeply desired connection with my father and loved so many things about him, he became that greatest source of my suffering in my childhood.

The Unanswered Scream

Back to the fight. In this incident, my father began doing his normal destructive routine. This time, he was screaming at my mom and began aggressively banging his head through the wall, breaking a large hole in the wall. I was terrified that he was going to hurt himself or my mother. I screamed out to God:

“Stop him, please!”

This episode would continue on for about another 20 minutes of incredibly intense fear for me. With every new fight, I began to fear more and more that my father would kill my mother or one of us in his rage. His anger was never directed at us explicitly, but in that house, getting in the way of his expression meant you were in danger.

This night, my brother, who is 3 years older than me, had enough and went and grabbed his shotgun. He threatened my father and said if he didn’t stop he’d shoot him. My father grabbed the gun and threw it into the yard, and the fight continued until the threat of calling the police was reached which always caused my father’s mind to begin the process of downshifting.

The Architecture of Manipulation

When the downshift finally happened, it was the part I hated the most. My father would become a sobbing mess. He would apologize for his behavior, hug all of us, and say how sorry he was and how he will never do this again.

I remember this particular night as the moment my body and central nervous system said “no more” and I no longer felt that sympathy. I just felt numbness. I also remember internalizing that emotional deep expressions cannot be trusted because of how manipulative they can be. So this 9-year-old boy started to see emotions as deeply dangerous and inherently untrustworthy.

This night was the changing point of how I would feel about my father. While I deeply loved him and wanted him to change, I was no longer going to believe his emotional apologies. He had to stop using drugs and abusing us emotionally and physically before I would trust him again and my admiration had turned to resentment.

The Silence from the Divine

My belief in God also changed that night. While we were never deeply religious and didn’t attend any church, I had always thought there was a God and that he cared about humans. I had never said a prayer out loud like that and begged God to intervene before, this was the first time. My young brain had decided that either one of two things was true. Either God didn’t care about me enough to intervene, or he wasn’t there.

Thus my disposition towards life began to shift. I no longer felt that I would ever be safe and there was no longer anyone to protect me, and I must protect myself.

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For the past 13 years, my professional life has been defined by structure, execution, and high-stakes performance. As the VP of Operations for a real estate development firm, my day-to-day existence was dedicated to a single, hyper-focused objective. I looked at complex, chaotic systems and built efficient frameworks to maximize predictability and profitability. I managed multi-million dollar portfolios, ran cross-country operations, and projected complex financial outcomes.

To the outside world, it looked like standard corporate ambition. Under the surface, my career was the ultimate expression of a nervous system that had been calibrated to run hot since childhood. I was utilizing the exact same machinery that kept me alive in a volatile childhood house. The hyper-vigilant scanning, the reading of micro nuances, and the obsessive need for control were all being applied directly to these real estate asset portfolios.

I poured all of my energy into optimizing these external frameworks for the sake of a clear, transactional mission. The goal was generating as much profit as possible to fund the spread of a conservative, literal evangelical message to the world. Our company was pouring millions into this cause, and I was essential to that mission. It was the ultimate utilization of my childhood survival systems for a dual purpose. I was simultaneously protecting the literal message that had scaffolded my emotional health, while aggressively pursuing the external success and peer approval I had been denied by an absent father. I was so consumed by executing this blueprint that I uprooted my family, moving them across state lines to be at the corporate headquarters. If I could just control enough variables, outperform enough metrics, and prove my value through achievements, I could guarantee a permanent baseline of safety for my psyche.

But while I was climbing into increasingly higher-level positions, the internal architecture that had sustained me since childhood was fracturing under the weight of the software it was running, a rigid, literalist Christian worldview. The machinery was quietly breaking from the inside out, threatening to destabilize every single area of my life.

An Existential Safety Net

Growing up in an unstable environment dominated by parental addiction, I lacked basic emotional safety and predictability. For a child surviving that kind of domestic chaos, being introduced to a literalist Christian belief system wasn’t just an intellectual choice. It was what saved my life.

Converting as a teenager provided a rigid structure, a moral order, and an existential safety net that allowed me to escape the volatility. It kept me from making the kind of destructive choices that would have led to my demise. It was a functional blueprint that kept my hot-running nervous system grounded.

But in October of 2023, that grounding faith collapsed. It was a multi-year process leading up to that date, driven by factors that chipped away at the foundation until the final implosion.

When you experience a deconversion out of a rigid, literalist framework, it doesn't just feel like changing your mind. It feels like a physical threat to your survival. Over the past 3 years, I began to realize that this process extends far beyond leaving the boundaries of Christian theology. It is a slow, agonizing deconversion from certainty. It is a deconversion from an inherited metaphysical safety that once kept the void at bay. Ultimately, it requires a deconversion from absolutism and from the deeply encoded need for a closed system just to feel okay.

Rejecting the Sledgehammer

I looked around the internet for spaces to help me process this wreckage, and I found plenty of demolition crews. There is an entire corner of the digital world dedicated to angry deconstruction, cynical atheism, and ideological reaction. But I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life holding a sledgehammer. I had already seen what a lack of meaning and direction can do to a psyche when I was nine years old. I knew I couldn’t survive in the obscurity of purpose.

I needed to build a new value structure if I was going to prevent myself from falling into a nihilistic black hole, which is something that very nearly happened to me. I refuse to settle for nihilism or cynicism.

My goal now is to look at the wreckage of my dogmatic past, salvage the deep archetypal truths that still hold value, and embody them through raw, intentional action. I am no longer looking to construct a flawless, purely intellectual system of universal truth. Instead, I want to build a worldview anchored in a physically embodied, visceral responsibility that allows for a quieted nervous system.

Simultaneously, I want to mine for the gold still left within the faith. This space is for those who are post-Christian but want to look back at the parts of the tradition that were deeply good and sustaining, as well as for Christians who want to legitimately understand the challenges that those who deconvert face.

Calibrating a New Value Hierarchy

I know this reconstruction is possible because I am living proof of it. I have by no means mastered this, and the journey will continue for the rest of my life. But applying these psychological and existential frameworks to my own wreckage is quite literally what pulled me back from the brink.

Paradoxically, I feel more secure today than I did when I held a literal belief that I knew all the answers. Even while acknowledging how much I do not know, I have come out of that black hole stronger and more grounded than before. It gave me the tools to stabilize my internal world, which ultimately saved my marriage and allowed my wife and me to navigate this massive shift together rather than tearing each other apart.

Most importantly, it kept me around as a present, anchored father for my four daughters, providing a new, coherent aim to strive for. It gave me a way to carry responsibility and lead my family with honor, grounded in tested truths that align with the real world. That is what the reconstruction of meaning looks like in practice.

The Fellow Traveler

I have no desire to lead an anti Christian campaign nor am I an academic expert waving credentials. I am not positioning myself as a guru handing down answers from above. Instead I am a fellow traveler who spent his adult life analyzing complex operational systems. Now I am applying that same rigorous mindset to the human psyche and the search for meaning. While I no longer believe Christianity is literally true, I still appreciate how it protected me as a vulnerable child. To an evangelical I look like an agnostic, while to an atheist I look like a theist.

This is a space for reconstruction after a collapse. I invite thoughtful professionals, high functioning existential strugglers, parents, individuals navigating mixed faith marriages, and Christians to join me.

My own rebuilding process was heavily influenced by Jordan Peterson’s work on psychological archetypes. Initially I resisted his ideas because I feared biblical themes would trigger my residual religious wounds. However, listening to his 2018 debates with Sam Harris changed my perspective. While Harris correctly exposed the dangers of religious dogma, Peterson’s lectures on Genesis provided a practical framework. They allowed me to strip away the literal claims of my past while unlocking the deeper existential power of these stories. That toolset ultimately helped pull me out of a nihilistic black hole.

Operational Clarity

Because my brain is wired toward operational clarity, here is exactly what you can expect from this space.

The core of this Substack consists of focused dives into my childhood and trauma. Rather than an exhaustive history, this is an intentional curation of the events that set the stage for my conversion, my deep entrenchment in a literalist worldview, and the eventual collapse that forced me to rebuild. These pieces examine the intersection of psychological structures, including value hierarchies and behavioral baselines, and the raw reality of navigating meaning after the framework vanishes. They are written as a sequence designed to build upon one another.

If you are up for the work of wrestling with these deeper ideas, and you want to reject nihilism, cynicism, and the pressure to have it all figured out, I invite you to join me. Let’s look at the wreckage, find the pieces that are true, and rebuild an architecture based on tested, psychological realities.

The first essay is below…

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